Help XTRAS!

Rachel Gardner answers your questions

Rachel Gardner is a qualified youth worker and relationship specialist. She is the creative director of Romance Academy and works with secondary school girls in Harrow

 

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE!

Q: I have had an amazing group of friends at school since year seven. But we are in year nine and recently, I have noticed changes: a few girls have started to tease others in the group, so much so that one has joined another friendship group. These girls also tease another girl in our group for being too shy. Now they are teasing my best friend.

The group is annoyed at each other, and I’m stuck in the middle. But neither my best friend, nor the group of girls who tease people, will forgive each other. I don’t want to lose any friends. What should I do?

S. by email

A: You sound like an awesome friend! It’s painful when the people we love don’t get on. But it isn’t your job to keep the group together — no matter how much you want to!

Year nine is a year of change in so many ways — and for you it looks like you are facing the reality of what true friendships are all about: kindness, loyalty and forgiveness. 

You are right to say that until these girls forgive each other they aren’t going to be able to rebuild their friendships. But instead of trying to keep the whole group together, think about who you want to be close friends with. And always keep an eye out for the people who might feel left out of large groups.

SEX AND PREGNANCY

Q: What about sex and getting pregnant too young?

Question from the Caris reader’s survey

A: Having children is a wonderful part of married relationships. Finding out you are pregnant can be the most exciting thing, but if you aren’t expecting it, it can be a worrying time. New life is always a gift from God, whether the parents are ready for it or not.   

Young people who become pregnant are faced with choices they weren’t expecting to make. But these aren’t the only choices young people need to make about sex. The first choice is to choose whether they are ready to have sex now or not.

If you aren’t ready to deal with pregnancy or having an STI, then you aren’t ready to have sex. Because new life and sex are a big deal, God says that the best place for sex is in loving marriages. It makes sense when you think about it.

RELATIONSHIP QUERY

Q: How do you make a relationship work?

Question from the Caris reader’s survey

A: Think for a moment about all the different relationships you are already in; with your parents or carers, friends, wider family, neighbours.

How do you make these relationships work? You try and be a good listener not just a good talker! You say sorry when you make a mistake and you forgive when they hurt you. You don’t talk about your friends behind their backs and you stand up for them when others put them down. You respect them even when they have different ideas or beliefs to you.

All of these things are the basis of any relationship — including dating relationships.

You make a relationship work by working at it and not giving up at the first hurdle. It can take while to feel comfortable in a new relationship, and some girls don’t know how to be a “girlfriend” and so they just clam up and go all silent. This can really confuse the guy. So, be yourself — it’s why he wants to go out with you!

Build a good friendship with him and this will be the best foundation if you guys go on to get married, and will also help you to be kind to each other if you break up.