| Bad reasons to go out with a boy |
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| Good reasons to go out with a boy |
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What’s a good reason for going out with a boy?
When should you definitely
keep a boy just as a friend?
We ask lads for their experiences and their
thoughts
Dave, 24,
Alex, 20,
Azariah, 33
Jim, 15
Dave: A bit of both. I was part of a big group of lads and we had a big group of girls that we were friends with. We’d go to the beach; go swimming; hang out. There were a few little romances that went on, but really it was just about being friends. It was good because the girls were happy to be themselves; it wasn’t about the one girl eagerly trying to get in with the lads or vice versa. That was the best time, not necessarily having girlfriends but having girls as really good friends.
Dave: Yes! I was about 13. A friend of mine was going out with the friend of the girl I liked, so the two of us invited them to town. When I phoned up to ask her I got her dad on the line, saying: “Hello, Cardiff dog pound.” That didn’t help!
On the date we just hung out in town. I was a bit of a clown, and made a fool myself. Most of the time the girls thought it was funny, but lads often make themselves look stupid with girls because they’re nervous.
We called each other “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” for about two weeks. Then it fizzled out. Looking back, it was more about hanging out than being girlfriend and boyfriend. We just wanted to have a laugh with the girls.
Dave: I had my first kiss when I was at a party and played spin the bottle. It was with a girl I was friends with, but she was about 6ft tall and I was about 4ft! It was rubbish; neither of us knew what we were doing. But I think it’s often like that.
Azariah: My first kiss was with a girl called Debbie on a youth camp. Previously, at school, I asked one of my friends how to kiss a girl and he just said: “Oh, it just comes naturally.” Another friend thought you kissed a girl by licking round her mouth! Maybe boys are more nervous than girls because often you’re expected to make the first move. At camp Debbie asked to go for a walk, and then asked me out. I thought it was brill, because now I could practise the kissing thing! She said: “I have never kissed a guy before,” and I said: “don’t worry it just comes naturally!” And, actually, it was ok. But then she found out another boy liked her. She didn’t want to hurt him, so she said we should finish!
Alex: There could be a negative because you could end up feeling the minute you hit 16, or however old you’re waiting to be, that you’ve GOT to get a boyfriend. But the positive could be that it gives you more time to notice what you’re looking for in a guy.
Azariah: When I was 14/15 I was saying that I wanted to be married by the time I was 20. I was always thinking: this could be the one. I should have taken things a lot more day-to-day, relaxed and enjoyed the friendship. If a guy is getting all your focus and energy, that’s not good. So if you get a boyfriend, make sure you hang out with your friends. Don’t let your love story be your life story, only ever a part.
Alex: When I grew up I had more friends that were girls than guys. Personally, I found it more awkward dealing with “blokey” situations. I don’t know why; maybe because I had my sister and my mum. For that reason, I didn’t really ever find myself feeling awkward around girls. But there’s no need to think that every guy is out to get you. A lot of guys feel just as awkward as girls.
Azariah: I went to a boys’ school. Then it became a mixed school. Most of the guys weren’t used to talking to girls, and didn’t know how to be friends with them. I grew up with just my mum, and I had some aunts and female cousins too. I was also part of a church youth group, so I found it easy to relate to girls. The irony is that when it came to relationships I forgot that friendship was what it was all about, and became very self-conscious. If there was a girl we thought was attractive, my mates and I would worship from a distance. Up close we would be jibbering wrecks.
Jim: Treat guys like other friends: be trustworthy and be there when they need help. Girls annoy guys when they talk about you when you’re close by, and when they give out mixed signals.
Dave: The girls me and my mates were attracted to were not the ones caked in make-up, or the ones who wore short skirts or the best clothes. We liked girls who were natural. And I liked girls who were a bit different. They didn’t have to be into the things I was into, but I liked girls who were passionate about something, be it sport or something else.
Alex: A girl who knows what she wants and her own boundaries is attractive to guys. Girls and guys get a lot of respect for that, and for sticking to them.
Jim: Just be open and talk to them.
Alex: Going out with someone is fun, but you’re dealing with someone else’s life and feelings too. So it needs thinking about. Young people can’t always handle the responsibility that comes with having a relationship.
Azariah: A friend of mine called, let’s say John, both lived near this girl called Marie (not her real name!), who I started going out with. I thought it was going really well. And one day I arranged to meet her in town outside this music shop. I took her in and played her a song I’d written for her the day before. A couple of weeks later she finished with me and started going out with John. I found out that he’d been popping round to see her all the time she’d been going out with me. That was really heart-breaking. I don’t think adults realise the pain you sometimes go through. Your parent(s)/guardian(s) or youth leaders may not take what you’re going through too seriously, but relationships can hurt when you’re 15 just as much as when you’re older. So, I would say take your time to get a feel for the person before you commit heart and soul. If I had taken things a bit more slowly with girls, and got to know them more before rushing to go out with them, or making big gestures of love, then maybe I could have save myself a bit of heartache.
Azariah: No! I did the same with girls several times and it was always disastrous. I think because I didn’t have a dad, I felt that I didn’t know what a good relationship was meant to look like. So I had this romantic notion, probably from films, of being this geek whom an attractive girl would sweep off his feet, and suddenly make popular. For me, if my friends were telling me a girl liked me, it was often down to loneliness, boredom, or curiosity I would say yes to a relationship. Then, when I realised they liked me a lot more than I liked them, I would panic because I felt I had to be committed to the relationship.
Alex: When I was about 16 I went on this really romantic date with a girl to a restaurant. What I didn’t realise was that my friends had found out, and had booked all the tables around us. They turned up about 20 minutes after we did. That was my worst first date ever!
Alex: I became a Christian when I was 16. In the early days when I was a younger teen dating was a lot about your ego. But with the guys I work with at church, it’s a noble thing not to muck a girl around, and to only go out with a girl if you’re serious about liking her.
Azariah: If your best mate has a girlfriend or boyfriend you can feel like you need to have one too. But that’s a really bad reason to start going out with someone! It’s easy for having a boyfriend to be so much about wanting someone to like you, that you forget the point of relationships altogether: which is about caring for the other person and enjoying chatting to each other, being friends, having interests and things in common. It doesn’t sound very sexy, but being good friends is the right foundation. It took me a long time to realise this before I started to get it right!
Azariah: I felt really confused during puberty as I wasn’t really sure what was meant to be happening. Not having a dad in my life meant I got most of my information from mates, or library books: I would try and work out which diagram I was. And people always thought I was about three or four years younger than I actually was. It was awful. I remember when I was 16, taking mum’s eyeliner pencil and drawing on a little moustache so that I could look a bit older and join the video club. And for a while I was spotty and had glasses.
Azariah: See how he is with other girls and guys. Think: is this someone I can feel safe with and talk to about positive and negative things and negative things? Is it someone interesting as well as attractive? Also, is it someone you can have a laugh with?
Azariah: Never let any guy put you under pressure: no one who really cares about you will do that. If it’s a big issue you’re talking about, or you feel under pressure physically you can say: “that’s quite a big thing, and I need to think it through and get back to you. It’s ok to buy yourself time to decide what you think. Chat to people who respect and value you, and can help you make a good choice. And in the cold light of day, make a commitment to yourself about your decisions and boundaries.
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